Fortune Teller – free thoughts by yosh dow

 

Can you see into the future? Having just turned thirty I feel like I used to be able to see into the future better than I can now. Maybe I just picture what I wanted my future to be like, or what I thought it was going to be like. Images of being on a stage under hot ass lights in front of ridiculous people like myself flashed over and over like a movie reel rolling around in front of a black screen like some shitty flash animation. Rocking out on my bed with this smacked out Kurt Cobain sitting on my bed hating his life because well, he’s sitting on teenage mutant ninja turtles bed sheets of an eleven year old. Getting older being caught up in the moment, losing yourself in the moment, the anxiety is high. Having memories of all that makes it worth it though. Not worth it to brag , not worth it to feel worth a damn, but worth it for the sheer exercise of dealing with anxiety. Getting all up in your face, all up in my face. Thinking about now what I want for my future.

  • I want love for my future.
  • I want music for my future.
  • I want friends for my future.
  • I want health for my future.
  • I want the future in my future (flying cars).

Going thoughtless the past ten years, what a ride it has been. Probably like being in a flying car, not having any control just at the helm of a pseudo steering wheel, not even steering. Like some fucked up pre-existing condition having to feel and think like I’m in control but totally and utterly not be in any type of control what-so-ever. How punk rock, right? Wrong. Fuck punk rock. Fuck a label on me, trying to call me this or that. None of that matters when you dig deep and project your desires onto a platform you call your “Future”. Thinking about wanting a family ten years ago I’d have called you a fucking whack job and then probably hope you’d get whacked, or at least go whack-off because you’re better off spending your time that way as opposed to telling me I’d be better off having a family. Even if my family is the love of my life (Jaxie) and my one and a half cats – because only one loves me completely and the other one only loves me when it wants food. I cant even predict the rest of the day now let alone any type of future. Theres got to be some form of an artistic outlet for my future because well, being a machine is boring and if I don’t get whats on my mind out one way or the other then I might as well pack it in now. Making art is what keeps me going, keeps my growing. Making art with the girl I love is what makes keeping going worth it. She helps me tear down the walls I’ve built around myself because, what the hell did I build them for if I didn’t want someone to come along and tear them down? As much as I’d love to drag my face across this pavement on my own, it’s much better to have someone acknowledge that I’m dragging my face across the concrete and tell me it will hurt less if I do it on a beach in the sand. Someone might call that art but I call it boredom. I cant see my future any other way, no other way other than exactly like it is today on my 9th day of being thirty years old except finding peace and creating peace internally and illustrating it externally through words, sounds and pictures. Creating it with the one I love, every day, for the rest of my excruciating, painful life. Love.

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